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This is a quick summary of World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw – August 2nd, 2009, with special guest “general manager” Jeremy Piven.

[Show opener] This televised event of Monday Night Raw  began with Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken trying desperately to get some kind of crowd reaction. Each took their time whooing and hooting a crowd that showed little interest. Miz enters the ring and begins the story line trying to get a re-match with John Cena. Piven and Miz compare careers in showbiz until Miz begins to get annoying and John Cena enters the ring, giving the crowd at least a little pep. Jeremy winds up completely destroying any credibility he has as a “wrestling fan” when he calls SummerSlam, “Summer-Fest” twice before Cena takes over the monologue. I wonder how much Vince made off onPiven’s movie “The Goods” because he sure did not get return investment with Jeremy’s acting with the WWE audience. It’s silent. As scene progresses a match is booked between Cena and Miz, if Miz loses, he’s banned from Raw and from Summer-fest er… SummerSlam… whatever (according to Piven).

[Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger] There’s not really much to blog about this match. Swagger not only won cleanly, but quickly. After the match he proceeded to beat on Bourne until MVP came in the make the save.

[backstage] Dr. Ken is babbling incoherently through most of this segment and Jeremy Piven looks confused. The only thing I understood from this somewhat short segment is that Big show got a US Title shot at Kofi Kingston. The crowd still has yet to respond much to anything they’ve seen.

[Mickie James & Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall] While it was good to see Jillian return from her illness, her performance in this match was the weak link. Beth, Mickie, and Gail showed the usual excellent performances, but the forte  performer of this match was Beth Phoenix getting a blind tag on Jillian planting Gail Kim for the victory. This was a really decent match, but was way too short.

[Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Jr.] Many would say that Monday Night Raw is Triple H, and during the first half of this match, Triple H dominated both members of Legacy. Returning from a commercial break, you’d think Triple H had a fight on his hands. Rhodes and DiBiase fairly well controlled the second half of the bout getting little resistance from Triple H. The match ended with Triple H being hit with DiBiase’s “Dream Street” and Rhodes’ “CrossRhodes” finishing moves. This was the first match in the evening so far that the crowd responded to. As Rhodes and DiBiase left the ring, Triple H announced a phone call he would make to one person to help him fight Legacy. An obvious threat to re-form D-Generation X with Shawn Michaels.

[Carlito vs. Primo] Brother vs brother seems to be the thing in the WWE these days, if it’s not the Hardy’s it’s the Colóns. Well, this fight turned into a high profile wrestling match. Primo and Carlito had the finest wrestling match in the broadcast hands down. While Carlito used the Backstabber to gain the victory, I think this is far from over. Both of the Colóns were rope to rope action from start to finish.

[backstage] The weekly Monday Night Raw screw Chavo Guerrero plot continues. As Chavo tries kissing up to the new bosses, he’s sent to wrestler against the midget Hornswaggle again. Piven refers to Chavo as Charro and Hornswaggle as Horngobbler. Oh wait, now HenrySwaggle will be filling in for Horngobbler.

[Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero] What else is there to say about this match. Chavo could have made a better showing since this was his first “non-midget wresting” match in quite a while. Henry fully dominated and eliminated Charro er Chavo in a matter of minutes. Henry was then joined by Hornswaggle to embarrass Chavo further with the Tadpole splash. Henry and Horngobbler end the segment dancing a jig.

[backstage] Randy Orton appears threating to kick Piven and Dr. Dork er ah Ken in the skull, the two assure Orton he will be pleased as the night goes on.

[Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show] This US Title match that was fun to watch. Kofi tried to show some offense, but Big Show beat him half to death. Show was eventually disqualified for losing his temper and beat on Kofi some more. I think they should have let the Big Show rule the ring, as he does now, a long time ago. Who can believably beat this man? Especially with submissions in his arsenal. As Jim Ross would say “My God”.

[backstage] Triple H calls his “mystery” partner backstage in the locker room. After a less than enlightening discussion, Triple H was hung up on and left wondering what is to happen next.

[Monday Night Raw Main Event]

[John Cena vs. The Miz] Miz and Cena enter the ring and Piven announces the lumberjacks which consist solely of “Cena-Hating-Wrestlers”. John faced the typical uphill struggle on his own, defeating Miz and getting him banned from SummerSlam and future Raw episodes. The match was so boring, I almost fell asleep.

Monday Night Raw ends as next week’s guest “GM” is announced. Look out maggots, it’s Sgt. Slaughter.